My parents are insisting we book the registrar, but we want a celebrant!
Q: MY PARENTS ARE INSISTING ON A REGISTRAR BECAUSE THEY WANT TO SEE US "SIGN THE REGISTER."
I feel so torn. We really want the personal touch of a celebrant-led ceremony, we don’t want the same generic ceremony as everyone else. However, my parents are very traditional. They feel that if we don't have a registrar, it isn't "real," and they specifically want to see us signing the big register and getting our handwritten certificate. Is there a way to help them understand?
A: THIS IS SUCH A COMMON CONVERSATION, AND I HAVE SOME NEWS THAT MIGHT SURPRISE THEM!
It is lovely that your parents value the tradition of your wedding day. However, there is a "best-kept secret" in the industry: the romantic scene they are picturing, the fountain pen, the hand-written certificate, and the heavy leather-bound book that they remember, no longer exists in England and Wales.
THE TRUTH ABOUT THE "MISSING" REGISTER
In May 2021, during covid, the marriage register moved online. This means that even if you have a registrar at your venue, they do not bring a register with them.
The Marriage Schedule: Instead of a book, you sign a piece of paper called a "Marriage Schedule."
No Certificates on the Day: Registrars no longer issue hand-written certificates at the wedding. The registrar has 7 days to go to their office and upload the details to the national records. You then have to order your certificate online or by phone about a week later.
The "Production Line" Feeling: Registrars are often on a very tight schedule, moving from one wedding to the next. Everyone in the room can feel that time pressure, which is the opposite of the "room to breathe" feeling you want for your big day.
THE "2+2" COMPROMISE: THE PERFECT SOLUTION
If your parents really need to see you "signing the papers" to feel it is official, here is the secret: Do the 2+2 and take them to be your witnesses.
What is it? You book a simple statutory appointment at the register office for £62 (plus certificate fees).
Involve Your Parents: Take your parents as your two witnesses. It takes about three minutes and is very low-key, you’re registering your marriage, it’s very similar to how you register a baby’s birth..
The Outcome: Once they see how administrative and "un-ceremonial" the legal paperwork actually is, they usually realise why you want the real celebration to be the beautiful, personal one led by your celebrant.
THE BOTTOM LINE
Take your parents to witness the legal "admin", you satisfy their need for tradition (albeit a different kind to what they remember) without compromising your wedding day.
When you explain that the process has gone online, most parents quickly realise that the meaning of the day comes from the words you say to each other, not the process the government requires!